Is it safe to say, I'm afraid? I find myself stuck in this insane world of excitement and down right fear. There is so much ahead of my it's a bit overwhelming. I have colleges to look at, and ones that I would really like to visit. I feel so ashamed asking my parents to visit the places, since most of them are out of state. I fear the place won't be what I thought it was when I went on there. I definitely am frightened of the unknown. It's such an insecure feeling. 

On the other hand I am filled with excitement. There is one year left! A little less than a year from now I will be walking towards my diploma. It's a strange feeling. I'm almost in denial. Less than a year from now I will know where I am going, and what lies ahead of me.

It's weird being stuck between these two emotions.

So past my thoughts and on to the facts. I am planning on double majoring in film directing and music composition. Here is my list of schools (in no particular order):

Bard C

Bennington C

Boston U

Brown U

Chapman U

Columbia U

Gettysburg C

Ithaca C

McGill U

Middlebury C

NYU

Penn State U Park

Princeton

Syracuse U

U Alberta

UC Davis

UCLA

Miami U

USC

Vanguard

random.

So I am going to attempt to blog everyday or at least a few times a week. Things are better. I still need to figure out a few things, and sort through them. I feel ill, maybe I need to just rela one day. The funny thing is now that I have taken on my eating lighter, and working out more I feel guilty when I don't move around a lot. It's funky I know.

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We all think we're so unique, and so different. I know most of us feel like there's something wrong with the way we think about certain things, or handle ourselves. We feel abnormal. Lately, I have realized that yes, although we are all unique in our own ways, we are very much the same. Society defines us when it comes to how we should think. You're an oddball if you think yellow is pretty, and no one else does. You're an oddball if you don't love your mom, when everyone else's mom is perfect. You're way out of this world if you feel awkward in a social situation. I mean these are simple thoughts that many of us think about. I know I have felt out of place and weird, but when it comes down to it everyone else is thinking in that same way. For instance I am taking a physics class at el camino. I thought I was the only one that felt awkward and insecure. Nope. That class is silent, because everyone is to afraid to say the wrong thing and be the wrong person.

So the obvious answer is: change. Be more outgoing. Be yourself. Be crazy. Be who you want to be. And you know what it really is as simple as it sounds. But then really it's not. It's scary putting yourself out there, allowing yourself to be humiliated and embarrassed. Allowing people to love you, or hate you. It's scary. But if you think about it, everyone wants to step outside of their little fence and explore new aspects of themselves. And really most everyone feels this, yet we fear the reaction of our peers. Our peers feel the same way. And what does it matter what they think. If you love yourself enough to be confident and wonderful, what does it matter? If they care, then maybe you weren't meant to be friends.